I’ll explain why this is late at the end of the column. It’s a one time thing. It’ll be back on late Monday/early Tuesday like usual. Details later. This will be a lot shorter than my usual, but I’ll hit the high points as best I can. I’m also debuting the “Worst Moment of the Show” award at the end because frankly we get a few of them every week on Raw. They deserve to be recognized. Let’s get to the show.
Live from London, UK this is the Raw Deal…
David Hasselhoff started it out. He had good energy, but holy shit this man is annoying. Seriously, am I the only one that wanted to see him get injured? I give him credit for making fun of himself for his infamous drunk video (google it). I just don’t like The Hoff. Never have. I want to punch him. Let’s move on.
Divas Title: Eve d. Maryse (*)
The girlhood dream has come true for Eve Torres! Come on, that was funny. I like Eve. I like Maryse. I don’t like two minute title matches for belts that don’t mean anything, though. I mean, hey, congrats to Eve. It’s just that it didn’t feel like much of a chase, nor am I that impressed by her in ring. She’s a good athlete. She’s not a fluid wrestler, though. She seems to be spot-spot-spot whereas if you see some of the others like Mickie, Beth or even Michelle you can see they’re more compete. I think the fans can tell too.
I really enjoyed the Miz/Bret Hart/Big Show stuff. I thought it was the best part of the show, quite frankly. I think it was hilarious that Miz called Showmiz the greatest tag team in WWE history, but that’s the point when a heel says it. Bret coming out drew a great pop. I’m sure the British fans loved it while I know Bret love appearing there because he was always a fan of the international tours. Using Bret to help The Hart Dynasty is a great move. I thought it should have started sooner although I’m glad it’s happened. This was a really good promo segment because it allowed personalities to get over and it accomplished something in creating a tag title feud that WWE badly needed.
The Miz d. David Hart Smith (*1/4)
The match was decent with DH making the comeback to a good reaction. He is the son of the British Bulldog, after all. It ended with Big Show KNOCKING THE FUCK OUT~!…of the kidneys of DH. I guess that works. Miz won with his Skull Crushing Finale finisher. Next week Bret has to go on Raw to proclaim that Showmiz is the greatest tag team ever. I smell shenanigans coming.
There was an Otunga/Batista segment leading to a Hoff/Otunga segment that involved the car named KITT from Knight Rider (a show so old even a nearly 30 year old man like myself doesn’t even know) telling Otunga that he’d lose to Cena in 22 seconds. This was great to the announcers, of course.
Evan Bourne d. Carlito (*1/2)
What is this, Superstars? It’s nice to see a four minute match on Raw. I kept waiting for somebody to beat them both up. Didn’t happen. Bourne won clean. Then we forgot about it as soon as it was over.
John Cena d. David Otunga (1/2*)
You were wrong KITT! It went about two minutes. Remember how one of Cena’s first matches was against Kurt Angle and it was really good? This wasn’t that. Cena won with the STF. Batista showed up and then walked to the back. Enthralling, no? That’s your thejohnreport.net word of the week: Enthralling. You’re welcome.
Sheamus came out to announce the Extreme Rules match with HHH at the Extreme Rules PPV that Sheamus is obviously going to win since HHH won clean at Mania. I’m stunned that WWE spells Extreme correctly, by the way. They’re losing their touch. Kofi the jobber came out, said he spoke to the Hoff (how lame was that?) and that they will have a match tonight. It’s on like neckbone, sucka. Stevie Ray reference, people.
Kofi Kingston d. Sheamus via DQ (*3/4)
Oh, sorry for calling Kofi a jobber. He won this match…by getting brutally beat up. That’s progress from last week. Kofi hit Trouble in Paradise, Sheamus got the bottom rope and bailed to the floor where he KO’d Kofi for the DQ ending. Post match he basically beat the shit out of him for a couple minutes. No HHH. He’s at home resting up from neck and leg injuries. I think we can pencil in Kofi Kingston for a move to Smackdown at the draft in two weeks.
They had a cheesy segment backstage with Carlito and Vladimir Kozlov backstage talking about guest hosts while mentioning MacGruber next week. Then the camera zoomed in on him cheesy 80s movies style. This was very lame. Can’t believe SNL can make a movie out of a 30 second sketch. The best SNL related movie? I have two words for you: Wayne’s World. And some more words: Party Time! Excellent! Woo woo woo!
Orton gets the title shot at Jack Swagger since he pinned him twice. He said the Street Fight (not an Extreme Rules match even though it’s essentially the same thing) was business, but beating Batista later would be personal. In other words: “Me good now. Me no like bad man.”
Baywatch Babes Something Match
It was 2 vs. 2 vs. 2 and something happened with the midget coming out to save the guy with the unibrow. I don’t give a fuck. I feel like a better person for not caring. This was brutally bad.
By the way, you know what I fucking hate? The weekly spot where the announcers gush about how great the guest host was. Shut the fuck up with that. Every week it’s “my favorite guest host ever” by Lawler and “a great job” by Cole. Lame. These announcers are terrible. I don’t even know if it’s the producers (Vince and Kevin Dunn) or if they just suck by this point. It ruins the show, though. No question.
Randy Orton d. Batista via DQ (**)
I’m sure this was a fresh match in Vince’s eyes since Orton’s now the face while Batista’s the heel, which is the opposite of what we’ve seen MANY times from these two in the last five years. Never been a fan of their matches together. This was okay, though. The problem was as soon as this match happened you knew it was going to be a non-finish because in WWE land they love to protect their top guys. Even the fans in attendance knew. You can tell by the way they were turning their heads to the aisle when somebody was down. The booking is too formulaic. Batista hit a spinebuster and then Orton hit the RKO OUT OF NOWHERE~!, which was of course the cue for the run-in. Swagger hit Orton with the Gutwrench Powerbomb for the DQ. Come on WWE, call in the All-American American (or Triple A) Bomb. It’s easier.
Once the match got thrown it, Cena attacked Batista and put him in the STF. This is your top babyface with the cheap attack? Classy! Batista tapped out and then passed out to it. Next week Batista will get the heat back. Cena’s retaining at the PPV since Batista’s going to film a movie while taking time off from the ring.
Three Stars of the Night
1. The Miz – He was tremendous talking to Bret Hart.
2. Bret Hart
3. Randy Orton
NEW! Worst Moment of the Night
In the debut of the worst moment of the night section, it was a tight race between the Baywatch match and the Kozlov/Carlito sketch. I’m going with the Kozlov/Carlito sketch because it makes me leery of how bad it’s going to be next week.
5 out of 10
Last week: 6
It felt like an average show this week. Some of the angles were progressed nicely (a tag title feud!), but some of them were lame or too predictable for my tastes.
At Extreme Rules we get Swagger vs. Orton in an Extreme Rules match plus HHH vs. Sheamus in a Street Fight. There are other matches, but my point only impacts these two. Is there a difference? In both cases you can use weapons, there are “no rules” and you can pin anywhere. It’s the same fucking thing aside from maybe HHH and Sheamus will wear jeans for their match. How exotic! They should throw in a No Holds Barred (did it at Mania) or Falls Count Anywhere match for the hell of it. Or maybe even a no DQ/no countout match (already done that at Mania too). I love how there are so many names for the same kind of match. These are the kind of things they pay “creative” for, right?
I really miss Shawn Michaels. How about you?
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The reason this is late is because my uncle passed away on Sunday at the age of 80 and I’ve spent the last three days remembering him along with my family. I appreciate those of you that sent along your condolences via email, facebook or twitter and I want you to know that I’m eternally grateful for it. He became ill about a month ago with leukemia, so we knew the inevitable was coming. I was able to talk to him a lot in the last month, to say goodbye and to also let him know how much he meant to me. He was a huge influence on my life. He was also the first one to take me to a wrestling show when I was a kid. Without him, who knows if I’m even a wrestling fan in the first place? I basically took three days off from the civilized world with a few exceptions. He didn’t want us to mourn. He wanted us to celebrate and get back to the regular routine that is life, so that’s what I’m doing. I’m back at it. Thanks for understanding.
On Thursday I plan on writing a piece about Smackdown’s move to Syfy in October and how I think WWE is making a big mistake by keeping the show on Friday nights. That article will be exclusive to thejohnreport.net although it won’t be a huge article. I just need to get some things off my chest. Next week I’ll likely write a fantasy article about how I’d like to see the WWE Draft on April 26 go down. If you have any ideas or suggestions of your own hit me up through any of the means below.
Thanks for reading.
John Canton – [email protected]
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