I wrote this live tonight. The first ever live Raw Deal. I might do it for next week’s draft lottery show too.
Live from East Rutherford, New Jersey this is the Raw Deal…
In case you’re wondering the announcers are still Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler. They came back from Europe before the rest of the crew.
Triple H came out first. “Okay don’t suck up to me because you know I’m the only guy here,” says HHH. He mentioned the volcano being the reason why the rest of the Raw roster isn’t there. Good joke about the eruptions they’re used to having in WWE being about Big Show. He talked about the WWE Brass working hard to make sure we had a show of high standards. He mentions wrestling Sheamus in a Street Fight in Baltimore. He’s going to beat him “any color other than white.” He kept talking and CM Punk’s music hit.
Punk came out with Gallows and Serena. Have to say Serena’s looking VERY nice. Punk did his usual promo ripping the locals, then said he had two words for ya: “Jersey sucks.” Crafty. They trade insults back and forth with HHH busting out a joke about Serena’s boobs. That’s vintage HHH. Punk basically asked him to become Straight Edge, but HHH said he had no interest and that people had a choice. He walked around the crowd mentioning that they had the right to do anything they want. Hey, it’s Lillian Garcia. I guess they needed a ring announcer and she’s from NYC, so she was close by. Good to see her.
Hunter talked smack to him and basically challenged him. Punk backed down from him by saying he’s not asking HHH to join the SES, he’s telling him. Gallows grabbed him and they beat down HHH a bit. Even Serena threw a kick in there! They had HHH on the chair and even brought the clippers out to shave his head. If you know anything about HHH it’s that he loves his hair. He’s not shaving his head. Mysterio came out, saved HHH and even cut a piece of his hair. I’m assuming this leads to Punk/Gallows vs. HHH/Mysterio later tonight. I thought it was a strong opening segment. Lots of crowd heat for it and it felt fresh since you don’t see HHH interacting with Mysterio too much.
Up next we’ll hear from John Cena from overseas.
(Commercial)
Matt Hardy vs. Drew McIntyre
No ring intros? They were in the ring right from the break. McIntyre’s entrance is my favorite in all of WWE. Shame we didn’t get to see it. About a minute in, McIntyre threw the back of Hardy’s head into the ring steps to take control. The WWE Draft is apparently the “annual rite of spring” according to Cole. They did a KO spot in the corner. McIntyre won the match although I honestly didn’t see how. I assume it was with the Future Shock DDT. Match was about 4 minutes. Call it *1/4 or so.
They showed John Cena talking via satellite from Belfast. He said they’re safe and apologetic that they can’t be at Raw tonight. He says his preparation for Sunday hasn’t been affected. He went into his talk quietly and THEN SUDDENLY RAISE YOUR VOICE mode to cut a promo saying he’ll be the Last Man Standing at Extreme Rules.
Commercial for the 3 hour WWE Draft next week. I might do that one live too. Could be fun.
(Commercial)
Man, that KFC Double Down sandwich might as well be called the automatic heart attack. Maybe chicken is healthier than bread, though.
Vladimir Kozlov was in the ring. He called Jerry Lawler into the ring to read his statement. “I, Vladimir Kozlov, am protesting the unfair treatment I have received by the Raw guest hosts. You are all spoiled, ignorant Americans. You are physically inferior therefore you are weak. Worst of all, you are from a state devoid of class or integrity. The single most depressing place on Earth: New Jersey. I cannot wait for my fellow Russian to buy your pathetic NBA franchise the Nets and move it out of this horrible state forever.” Kozlov wants competition. Cue MacGruber. “The guy’s a friggin’ genius…MacGruber!
Coming out are MacGruber (Will Forte) and Vicky St. Elmo (Kristen Wiig). He’s got a US flag with him. St. Elmo has announced the main event for later being Punk, Gallows & Jericho vs. Mysterio, HHH and Edge. That’s pretty awesome, I have to say. MacGruber says nobody rips on New Jersey, listing Jon Bon Jovi, Paul Blaart Mall Cop, Snookie and The Situation all being great people from Jersey. That was funny. “What’s Russian for giant pile of suck?” Ha, MacGruber said the most depressing place on Earth is not New Jersey, it’s your mom’s uterus. St. Elmo: “I’m sure your mom’s uterus is great.” Kozlov’s opponent tonight is R-Truth. There was an explosion and R-Truth exploded. I guess we’ll get the match later.
Up next, Randy Orton’s going to talk like a viper in Northern Ireland.
For those counting, we’re 42 minutes in and we’ve only had 4 minutes of in-ring match. The MacGruber segment was very cheesy, but it made me laugh more than I thought. I think Kristen Wiig is hilarious.
(Commercial)
I love the MacGruber theme songs. Now they’re doing a sketch. It’s HHH. The camera scrolled down to see MacGruber pissed himself. Bad comedy alert as he said his friend peed his pants, then MacGruber wore his pants for his friend. This was lame. There’s his friend…and it’s Kane. Triple H told him the story. MacGruber said he had to go, then said “USA” and Kane ended with a good line saying “I don’t think that’s the only thing he did in the pants.” Still a poor segment even with the good line at the end.
Now “Stone Cold” Randy Orton was talking in Belfast. He says wherever he ends up is where the World Heavyweight Championship is going to be. That’s it. Jack Swagger’s coming to the ring next. Hey, we’re 50 minutes in and we might get another match.
(Commercial)
We see a clip of the main event from SD where Swagger pinned Jericho to retain the World Title in a triple threat. They can’t do a Smackdown Rebound, though.
I thought it was going to be a match. No. It’s Jack Swagger for a promo. He issues an open challenge right now. Whoa. The challenge is answered by the Undertaker. Huge pop for this. We knew he’d be at the show, but not sure when. Good surprise. He honestly took three minutes to get there.
Jack Swagger vs. The Undertaker
The Undertaker’s wearing a different outfit although it’s still black and still has the hood on top of his head. Really cool “Undertaker” chant. I give the crowd credit for being hot even though they only got one match over the course of an hour. Fun drinking game. Every time the announcers say “phenom” or “18-0” have a shot. You won’t last with Cole & Lawler announcing. Crazy Undertaker takes a bump into the ring steps right on his knees. Doesn’t he have leg and hip problems all the time? Bumps like that are crazy. Swagger worked on him with punches and Undertaker threw him out to the floor. I’ve always liked the legdrop on the apron spot. Yes, Cole said “vintage Undertaker” for that. It was at 10:06pmET. Undertaker puts him into a headlock and we go to commercial. What! No floor to commercial spot? Crazy!
(Commercial)
We’re back with Swagger working on Undertaker’s knees. How much did the HBK match take off Undertaker? He hasn’t wrestled in about three weeks. He’s fine, Cole. Stop crying. Swagger wrapped the left leg around the ring post. They’re having a pretty basic big man match. I see a sign in the crowd that says “John” but it says “Cena” on it rather than “Canton.” What a letdown. Undertaker came back from the rest holds with a nice DDT. Snake eyes by Undertaker followed by the big boot and legdrop for two because he’s no Hulk Hogan. Chokeslam is countered, but then he eats a big boot. Swagger hits a spinning DDT that reminded me of the one the Rock used to do although it wasn’t as smooth. I’m enjoying this match. We’re 15 minutes in right now. Vader Bomb is countered by a choke by Undertaker. Chokeslam right in the middle “from out of nowhere~!” says Cole. It wasn’t really out of nowhere, but whatever. Undertaker hits the Tombstone. Match is over at 16 minutes. Let’s call it **3/4 out of five stars. Winner: The Undertaker
Is that the best way to book the World Champion the week before a PPV? I don’t think so. I understand booking Undertaker strong all the time, but why not do a DQ? They often times book DQ’s when the matches need to be clean. In this case it should be a DQ. They could have Jack get DQ’d and then eat a Tombstone after to make the fans happy. Could the Undertaker get drafted to Raw next week? If he does, I’d guess Michelle McCool does. It would be so “random” huh?
(Commercial)
Here’s a link to my column about the draft: Forecasting the 2010 WWE Draft. Check it out. Got you covered.
We got the clips of the MacGruber film. Wow, Val Kilmer got fat. Lots of wrestlers in the movie like Big Show, Mark Henry, Great Khali, MVP and Chris Jericho. I might be missing somebody. I don’t think it was a very impressive trailer, but I’ll give it a look.
Backstage, Jericho talked to the Straight Edge Society. He told them to follow him. Jericho met up with MacGruber and St. Elmo. Chris is in the movie, as mentioned. Jericho went into a MacGruber style promo about “Je-Riko.” He asked Jericho for help against Kozlov. Jericho told him to shake his hand and then do whatever he wanted to him. Chris was good as usual, but the material was not.
I guess we’re getting MacGruber vs. Kozlov next. Thrilling.
(Commercial)
Hey, we’re getting a replay of the build to this MacGruber/Kozlov match. R-Truth got exploded because the joke is MacGruber’s a bumbling idiot. All we saw were Truth’s shoes. Feel the comedy. “From the greatest continent in the World, America, having his first match…the undefeated MacGruber.” Well, the intro was good at least.
MacGruber slapped him, then Kozlov gave him some headbutts and Michael Cole went into SERIOUS VOICES~! for MacGruber. Ryan Philippe, also in the movie, came out to say it would now be a handicap match. His partner is “Khalruber” It’s the Great Khali, the “brother” of MacGruber. So that promo from Smackdown a couple weeks ago where he said he was leaving wasn’t true? I hate lies. Nice wig, Khali.
Khalruber vs. Vladimir Kozlov
I think we’ve got a winner for the worst moment of the night, huh? The announcers put over how great this is. Yeah guys, it’s amazing. This is not exactly a match of the year. Khali hit a chop to the head and Kozlov walked out for the countout. (-***)
MacGruber said America’s the best country in the world with the best food, the best sports and the best movie…Shrek 4…no MacGruber. This movie’s opening the same day as Shrek 4? Good luck. Then one final plug for MacGruber. This was MacBrutal. Or if I worked for WWE I’d call it “MacGreat” and then do a fake laugh.
(Commercial)
It’s Cena/Batista video package time. Cena’s winning on Sunday. I’d say I’m 95% sure about that. I’ll have an Extreme Rules PPV preview up later in the week.
Extreme Rules Matches:
Last Man Standing – Cena vs. Batista
Head Shave if Punk Loses – CM Punk vs. Rey Mysterio
Extreme Rules Match – Edge vs. Christian (King actually said “Christian” – way to pay attention)
Street Fight – HHH vs. Sheamus
Triple H’s music hits. Main event time. They should get about 12-15 minutes in ring. No divas, though. That’s a shame. Sheamus cut a promo from Northern Ireland and he randomly beat up guys from the production crew. This was unintentionally great. Can he do it to the creative team too?
(Commercial)
Triple H, Edge and Rey Mysterio vs. Chris Jericho, CM Punk & Luke Gallows
My prediction on who loses here? The guy with the initials LG. Edge & Mysterio teamed up in my favorite WWE tag match ever. It’s No Mercy 2002 against Benoit & Angle. Look it up. Also Lawler calling Mysterio “young” isn’t very accurate. He’s been wrestling over 15 years and is in his mid 30s. Edge was selling the ankle injury from Friday. It’s rare that they let a babyface sell an injury. Yes, Lawler actually said Jericho’s a mean guy because he wanted MacGruber to beat up. What a meanie! He hurt his feelings! God, I can’t take the stupid announcers anymore. I can’t do it. Mysterio hit a splash over the top and they went to commercial 30 seconds in. They do that, yet MacGruber was able to be in multiple segments that were horrible.
It’s a rushed match when the hot tag from Mysterio to Edge happens only three minutes into it. Edge went for a spear, but Jericho pulled him out and went for the ankle. Now they get to work over Edge for a few minutes before the inevitable hot tag to HHH. Right on cue we got that hot tag and he did the vintage knee offense on Punk. He even earned the “vintage” from Cole on the spinebuster. Everything broke down, the faces cleaned house, Mysterio hit the 619 on Punk and Triple H finished him off with Pedigree. I was wrong about the pinfall. It was CM Punk that took it. Let’s call it a **1/2 match out of five. A pretty standard six man tag although not long enough to be anything more than that. The Winners: Mysterio, HHH & Edge
The end of the show saw the babyfaces posing for the fans. That’s it.
Three Stars of the Night
1. CM Punk – Promo was good.
2. Triple H – Promo was good.
3. Chris Jericho – The effort was there. Even he can’t save when the material is bad.
Worst Moment of the Night
It’s easily that Khaligruber/Kozlov match that was one of the most painful things I’ve witnessed on Raw. Man, that failed big time.
4 out of 10
Last week: 5
This was not a good show. I was hopeful that because the show with the better performers (Smackdown) were there that the product would be better. It wasn’t. With that said, I can understand why it was bad. This obviously wasn’t the show that creative had planned since the Raw crew is still in Northern Ireland. They really only had two or three days to plan it. It’s just weird that instead of doing the easy thing by booking actual matches that get time to tell a story in the ring they had way too many MacGruber sketches.
The best parts of the show were the Punk/HHH promo, the Undertaker/Swagger match and the main event. The problem is the bad was so bad that I don’t even remember the good parts. I just feel like I wasted two hours doing a live recap of Raw for the first time in a year. I guess it’s my fault for going live with the Raw Deal. Blame me.
I wish MacGruber the best. I like it in small doses. There just isn’t enough material to carry a movie. It looks awful.
Note that I consider the 4 rating to be generous. It should probably be a 3, but I’m being generous because of the predicament involved with the Raw talent being stuck overseas in Belfast.
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I’ve done a lot of writing of late at thejohnreport.net. Here’s what I’ve written in the past few days:
Forecasting the 2010 WWE Draft – My predictions for what might happen next Monday.
My Take on Smackdown Moving to Syfy – Just like the title says.
NBA Playoff Preview 2010 – Not wrestling obviously, but I’m a big basketball fan and decided to write that out.
I’ll be back later in the week with a preview of Extreme Rules likely on Wednesday or Thursday. I might do a live Raw Deal next week too for the three hour show because I know that a lot of newsworthy things will happen. I’m not 100% sure about that yet.
Thanks for reading.
John Canton – [email protected]
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